


Blameless

by Arwriter



Series: Learned Behavior [6]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: And he will once again get several, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Bonding, Hurt/Comfort, Janus is mentioned, References to a future fic, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Thomas loves his sides, talking through issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:22:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arwriter/pseuds/Arwriter
Summary: Logan knew it was only a matter of time until Thomas found out, but he had no intention of pushing Virgil out of his comfort zone. He would open up in his own time.Unfortunately, things are a bit different right now.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Learned Behavior [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918165
Comments: 14
Kudos: 383





	Blameless

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clear up any confusion, the "incident" mentioned here will be covered in detail in a future fanfiction. Its going to be an ordeal to write so stay tuned

Logan had known it was only a matter of time until Thomas found out. 

He’d been the one to suggest telling him right away, just days after Virgil’s past had come to light. After all, it couldn’t do any harm to have their host on the same page when it came to redirecting a harmful mindset. 

But he’d quickly dropped it upon seeing how distressed the idea made Virgil. Logan wasn’t quite sure what he was so afraid of, (Rejection? Dismissal? Annoyance?) but he had no plans to push the anxious side out of his comfort zone. 

Unfortunately, things were a bit different right now. 

It had been almost a week since the... _ incident  _ had occurred, and while things were steadily improving, they were still hardly back to normal. 

Virgil was still horribly jumpy, wide eyed and trembling far more than usual, apologizing relentlessly for even the smallest things like he was terrified they were all still upset with him. 

Not that anyone had been upset with him to begin with. Just...stressed and worried, was all. They’d all triggered some kind of panicked response from Virgil before, but last week had been a whole different story. 

But that was in the past. It wouldn’t happen again. 

That being said, Virgil still needed time. And Thomas wanted to film today. 

Logan had done what he could to get the date rescheduled, but logically, there was no reason  _ not  _ to film today. Not without a viable excuse, and he knew better than to push the idea of telling Thomas the truth. Virgil would open up when he was ready. 

So now they were all in Thomas’s living room as usual, sharing wary glances as they talked through their host’s latest problem, hoping he wouldn’t notice Virgil was just a bit quieter than usual. 

Virgil’s hands were still wrapped in bandages- and Logan made a mental note to check how those were healing when they were done here- but he was able to keep them hidden beneath his sleeves. 

The issue today was fairly standard- Thomas panicking over a reaction from one of his friends, frantically scrambling as he tried to figure out how to respond and move forward. 

It was the kind of discussion that would usually have them all bickering, shouting over each other with no real malice, probably getting frustrated and carried away in the process until they inevitably came to some kind of conclusion. 

Today, they were careful to keep the volume low, cautious not to lose their temper, Patton and Roman sending less than subtle glances Virgil’s way every few minutes. 

Really, with how obvious they were being, Logan would be more worried if Thomas  _ didn’t  _ pick up on something being off. At the very least, he was bound to be feeling a little extra anxious recently. 

But he hadn’t said anything, Virgil left to his quiet fidgeting from his usual place on the stairs, so perhaps they could--

“Virge? What do you think, buddy?” 

Then again, perhaps not. Thomas was speaking softly, and Logan knew he was only trying to gently encourage Virgil to voice his thoughts, but the anxious side still jumped at the sudden attention, eyes widening slightly. 

“I...s-sorry, what?” 

“I was just wondering what you thought,” Thomas said. “About what Patton was saying.”

Logan saw Patton wince at the question, at the way Virgil was beginning to look helplessly cornered, Thomas still watching with oblivious confusion. 

He should have tried harder to get them to reschedule. Today was a bad day. 

“I- um, I don’t know,” Virgil said. “Sorry, I-I was just, I was…” 

“Zoning out a bit?” Thomas offered, his smile easy and gentle. He’d meant it lightly, Logan knew, but Virgil actually flinched at the implication. 

“N-no I was listening,” he said quickly. “Or, I- I was trying to, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to space out.” 

“What? No, it’s...It’s fine, Virgil. Honestly, we were all just rambling at this point, right guys?” He turned, just in time to see the worried glances Patton and Roman were failing to hide. 

“Right!” Patton exclaimed, too quick and too cheery, and Logan resisted the urge to groan at how utterly horrible the two were at nonchalance. “Everything’s ok! You’re doing great, kiddo!” 

Virgil sunk even further into his hoodie, fiddling with the strings, looking like he would rather be anywhere else in the world, the attention clearly overwhelming. 

Thomas noticed, frown deepening, and he quietly cleared his throat before turning to the creative side. “Roman? Can you stop the recording for a sec?” 

Roman hesitated, looking to Patton and Logan as Virgil began noticeably trembling. But he did as he was told, moving to shut the camera off as Patton hurried to Virgil’s side, talking too softly for the others to hear. 

“Alright, what’s going on you guys?” Thomas asked, missing the way Virgil flinched again. “Logan tried to change the schedule earlier, which we all know is  _ unheard of,  _ and all of you are acting...really weird.” 

Logan opened his mouth to answer, everyone else stubbornly silent, but Virgil beat him to it, his voice heartbreakingly small. 

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, we can...we can keep f-filming, Thomas.” 

Immediately, Thomas’s expression softened. “Hey, buddy it’s ok. I’m not upset, I just wanna know what’s going on. Obviously something’s been happening for a while.” 

Virgil stared resolutely down at his lap where Patton had intertwined their hands, and Roman was shifting restlessly by the camera, clearly waiting for someone else to take the lead. 

Logan sighed, realizing that despite his own lingering stress, he  _ was  _ still the most composed person in the room. As was usually the case. 

“Thomas,” he said, hands automatically fidgeting with his tie when the others turned their attention to him. “There was a...situation a few days ago. It’s been sorted out since then, but today might not be an ideal time to film.” 

“A situation?” Thomas echoed. “Is...is that why I had a panic attack earlier this week?” 

Virgil’s head snapped up at that, kept only from scrambling to his feet by Patton’s tight hold. “You  _ felt _ that? I- I’m so sorry I thought I...y-you said you felt fine and I thought--” 

“No, no, Virge it’s ok.” Thomas was moving towards the stairs, crouching to Virgil’s level, careful to keep a couple feet of space between them. “It wasn’t that bad. Your panic attacks don’t usually get to me, but this one felt...different.” 

Virgil shrugged, but offered a reluctant nod. “Yeah it was...more intense than usual, I guess. Sorry.” 

“What did we talk about, kiddo?” Patton squeezed Virgil’s hand, smiling sadly. “You don’t have to apologize. It wasn’t your fault.” 

Virgil didn’t answer, still refusing to meet anyone’s gaze, shoulders hunched under the weight of their stares. 

Thomas inched closer, ankles brushing the stairwell, finally breaking the silence. “Virge, can you...tell me what happened?” 

Logan was actually surprised by how quickly Virgil shook his head, looking like Thomas had just suggested something ludicrous, like talking to a cute guy in public. He’d known Virgil was adamantly against telling Thomas any of this, but he hadn’t realized just how hesitant he was. 

“I-I can’t,” he stammered, looking to Patton for help. “I can’t say, I’m sorry, I just...I can’t tell you.” 

“Perhaps it  _ is _ time we told Thomas,” Logan suggested. “He’s bound to find out eventually, Virgil. And I can assure you, there is nothing to worry about.” 

“But of course, you don’t have to!” Roman added, looking almost just as nervous as Virgil. “It’s entirely up to you!” 

“I’m not gonna pressure you into anything,” Thomas said. “But you know you can tell me anything, right? I’ll do what I can to help.” 

Thomas’s living room was silent for a long moment, the only noise being Patton’s overly exaggerated breathing to keep Virgil from hyperventilating. They all waited, patient and silent, careful not to do anything to make the anxious side feel rushed. 

Logan blinked, surprised when Virgil’s eyes were suddenly locked onto his. 

“Can…” he paused, chewing on his lip. “Can you tell him? Please?” 

Logan gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile and nodded. “Of course. Would you prefer to be in the room or wait somewhere else?” 

Virgil hesitated, free hand tugging at his hoodie, glancing up at Thomas as if to make sure he wasn’t upset with the change in plans. 

“Do you want to wait in the other room, kiddo?” Patton asked. “I can come with you if you want.” 

Virgil nodded, the relief in his eyes painfully obvious, but Logan didn’t miss the tremble that stayed in his hands, the wary, anxiety riddled glances he kept sending Thomas’s way as Patton led him up the stairs. 

“I’ll come get you in a few moments,” Roman called, moving to sit on the edge of the couch, wringing his hands in his lap. “Teach?” 

Logan cleared his throat, adjusting his tie again as he turned back to Thomas, suddenly painfully unsure how he was supposed to continue. 

“Right...Yes. Well,” he started. “A few weeks ago we became aware that, ah...actually Thomas, would you like to sit down?” 

He was stalling and they all knew it- he wasn’t exactly trying to be subtle. But Thomas went along with it anyway, sitting opposite of Roman while Logan awkwardly remained in his usual spot, careful not to fidget. 

“You are, of course, aware of the other sides.” 

“Yeah,” Thomas said. “The dark sides, right?” 

“You have, being a complex and emotional person, many facets of your personality,” Logan explained, ignoring the question. “Some are not as...developed, or as fundamental as the four of us. Most you will likely never interact with. I doubt they even have the ability to manifest.” 

“Okay?” Thomas looked to Roman for some kind of clue, concern clearly morphing to confusion. “What does this have to do with Virgil?” 

Roman clasped his hands in his lap, switching between staring intently down at the floor and looking at Logan- who was frantically trying to figure out the best way to put the delicate situation. 

“Soon after we had accepted Virgil as one of us,” Logan said. “It...came to our attention that he was not...treated well, in a sense, by a majority of the other sides.” 

Roman scoffed. “That’s one way of putting it.” 

“We had all noticed right away, of course, that he was uneasy around us, and always a bit on edge. We all thought he was merely nervous about being rejected again and assumed it would pass.” 

Logan was resolutely  _ not  _ looking at Roman. He would not lose himself, would  _ not  _ fall apart in front of Thomas. He was simply restating facts. That was all. 

“I found him in my room about two weeks into our attempts to get to know him. He was borrowing some reading material and he...well, he believed I intended to strike him as punishment, since he was used to that being standard.” 

Logan risked a glance up, allowing himself to be relieved at Thomas’s expression. He was horrified, as was expected, but there was compassion and understanding flickering in beneath that. 

He wasn’t sure what he had been so afraid of. Perhaps Virgil had been rubbing off on him a bit. 

“But he’s...he’s alright now, isn’t he?” Thomas asked. “I mean, he knows he’s safe with you guys. Right?” 

“It’s a...work in progress,” Roman admitted, and Logan quickly jumped in to elaborate at Thomas’s growing distress. 

“And he  _ is  _ making a great deal of progress. We’re all very proud of how far he’s come in such a short period of time. But it is not something that fixes itself right away.” 

Thomas nodded, scrubbing a hand over his face, and Logan shared a worried look with Roman, both sides at a loss of what else to say or do. 

“How long?” Thomas asked suddenly. “Do you know...how long it went on for?” 

Logan shook his head. “Not exactly. We’ve all...helped Virgil talk through his experiences in chunks whenever he is comfortable. But from what I’ve gathered, it would have been several years at the very least.” 

That, clearly, was not what Thomas had wanted to hear, distress only doubling as he dropped his head into his hands, Roman frantically attempting to provide comfort. 

“Thomas--” 

_“Years?”_ Thomas pushed himself off the couch, Roman hurrying to follow. “It went on for years and I just-- fuck I just let it happen?” 

“You did not  _ let  _ anything happen, Thomas.” 

“He’s  _ my  _ anxiety, Logan!” Thomas shot back, and Logan couldn’t help but be thankful that Joan wasn’t over to hear this particular rant. “It happened in  _ my  _ head and I didn’t even--” 

_ “Thomas.”  _ Roman’s hand on their host’s shoulder shut down his rambling, the Prince's voice uncharacteristically grim. “There was no way for you to have known. None of us knew- hell  _ Virgil  _ didn’t even know it wasn’t normal!” 

They’d all gone down a spiral of self blame, obsessing uselessly over what could have been since they’d found out what Virgil had gone through. 

If they had just been kinder to him, welcomed him sooner, tried harder to get him to open up from the beginning, then maybe they could have stopped it, saved him from the treatment sooner…

But there was no use in those thoughts. All they did was upset Virgil, who refused to allow anyone to feel guilt over him, half the time convinced he was still just a minor inconvenience. 

“Placing blame is not of importance,” Logan said. “What’s important is Virgil’s safety, and learning how we can undo what has been done. He’s been...conditioned to have a very unhealthy mindset.” 

Thomas took a shaky breath, still much more pale than Logan would like but noticeably more collected than before. 

“You guys found out about this a while ago,” he said after a moment. “What about this last week? You said something else happened?” 

And just like that the tension in the room skyrocketed once again, Roman meeting Logan’s stare with wide, questioning eyes. 

It was like they hadn’t talked about it. They’d had several  _ long  _ discussions, both with and without Virgil, doing all they could to ensure nothing like that ever happened again. 

But Logan didn’t think they’d ever really...recounted out loud exactly what had happened. They all knew. They didn’t need to relive the details. 

Which was illogical, of course. It happened, it was terrifying at the time- the glass, the blood, the way the mindscape had been  _ too quiet-  _

But it was over now. It was a mistake, an oversight, and it wouldn’t happen again. And Thomas had the right to know. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Thomas said, and Logan was surprised by the sheer force of the  _ relief  _ that hit like a tidal wave. “It’s ok. I trust you guys to take care of him.” 

“We will,” Roman agreed. “Always.” 

Logan nodded and Thomas took a breath, running his hands through his hair before glancing at the empty stairwell. 

“Roman, do you think you could go get him? I wanna talk to him if he’s up for it.” 

The creative side nodded, glancing at Logan for some kind of unspoken approval before hurrying up the stairs, disappearing the way Patton and Virgil had left, leaving Logan and Thomas alone in the suddenly much too quiet living room. 

The logical side adjusted his tie once more, eyes trained on the floor. “Virgil has been worrying over your reaction for weeks,” he said. “Please attempt to keep your emotions in check.” 

He couldn’t help but think back to that first day, when Patton had lost himself in his emotions, and Virgil had been convinced that anger was directed towards him. 

Luckily, Thomas seemed to pick up on the uneasiness because he just nodded again, glanced once more at the staircase, and moved back to his spot on the couch. 

“Did...did Deceit hide this from me too?” 

“Not that I’m aware of,” Logan said, and unfortunately that was the truth. He didn’t know. “But from what I’ve gathered, I don’t believe he ever laid a hand on Virgil.” 

That, of course, didn’t mean he hadn’t  _ known  _ about the abuse. No one had really gotten the nerve to ask the dark side about the affair.

But there wasn’t a need to fill Thomas’s head with any more doubts.

It wasn’t long before there were footsteps from the stairs, Virgil reluctantly following Patton into the living room, Roman lingering a few paces behind. 

Thomas waited until they were all off the staircase before scooting over, patting the spot next to him. “Hey, Virge. You want to come sit?” 

Virgil shrugged, shoulders hunched and hands buried in his pockets, but he made his way over to the couch, sitting as far away from Thomas as possible. 

He didn’t look like he was panicking, Logan noted with some sense of relief, just miserable and wary, like he was expecting the worst. 

“Did Logan tell you?” Virgil asked, pressed up against the back of the couch with his knees pulled up to his chest. 

“Yeah, he did.” Thomas moved closer, still careful not to crowd the anxious side. “Buddy...do you think I’m gonna be mad at you?” 

Virgil shrugged. “No. I...I don’t know. Maybe.” 

“I don’t think Thomas has ever been angry with you, kiddo,” Patton pointed out from his spot by the window. “And I really doubt he’s gonna start now.” 

“Of  _ course  _ I’m not angry with you, Virge. Why would you think that?” 

A beat of heavy silence, and for a second it looked like Virgil would refuse to respond at all. But there were no telltale signs of a panic attack, even as he took a small, trembling breath. “Because you should be.” 

It was mumbled, barely audible, and Logan frowned as Thomas looked like he’d just been slapped. “I- what?” 

“You  _ should be,”  _ Virgil snapped, finally looking up to face the others. “ _ All  _ of you should be! You should...you should be furious with me and you’re not and it’s been  _ months  _ and I don’t  _ get it!”  _

His breaths were steady, albeit labored, eyes wide as he met each of their stares, voice only slightly wobbly, and Logan briefly wondered how long he’d thought about saying this. 

Roman took a careful step forward, still hesitating by the stairs. “Virgil...why do you think we’re going to be mad?” 

It was a question they’d all asked him before, when he got that panicked look in his eyes when he thought he’d done something wrong. But this...Logan knew this was something different. This wasn’t panic. 

He didn’t like it any better. 

“I  _ don’t,”  _ Virgil argued. “I know you won’t be and that’s the  _ problem.”  _

No one knew what to say, exchanging helpless glances as Virgil took a steadying breath, finally focusing on Thomas. 

“I just...let them do that to me,” he said. “They said I had to be- be h-hurt and I just  _ believed them  _ like an  _ idiot.  _ It probably just hurt you and I didn’t even realize!” 

“Virgil, there was no way you could have known. You thought what was happening was normal.” 

“How is that any better, Logan? I thought I deserved it just because they  _ told  _ me I did. I never tried to fight back! It just...to me it just made  _ sense.  _ I deserved it. I...I still think I do sometimes.” 

“Virge--” 

“But you’re all so  _ nice  _ to me _.  _ I just...I-I love you all  _ so much  _ and I don’t know how...I just keep messing up and panicking over stuff I  _ let  _ happen to me and making your lives harder and it’s...what if I don’t get better? After what happened last week how long are you gonna…” 

He paused with a shaky breath, clearly resolutely determined not to cry. “What if I don’t stop doing this to you? I-I keep...doing this and- and I try to listen to you but sometimes I...I get it. I get why they did it. I mean, if I’m just such a fuck up that that’s the only way to control me, then why  _ don’t  _ you guys just do the same thing and beat the shit out of me so--”

_ “Virgil!”  _

Logan hadn’t meant to raise his voice, but he could see Virgil getting more and more worked up, and the last time he’d brought up any of them getting fed up enough to resort to violence Patton had burst into tears, which would do nothing to help the situation. 

Luckily, the flash of fear in Virgil’s eyes as he fell silent only lasted a second, recognition taking over as his shoulders dropped. 

“Sorry,” Virgil muttered. “Sorry I didn’t mean to say all that, I know you guys...I know you won’t do that. I just worry...I don’t know.” 

Thomas was scooting closer again, watching Virgil with an expression Logan couldn’t quite read. Sadness, definitely. But it was also fond, something protective and kind. 

Logan thought Thomas was the only person kind enough to look at their anxiety like that. 

Good. Virgil deserved that kindness. 

“Virgil,” Thomas said, arms now open and inviting, his smile warm and genuine. “Come here?” 

Virgil didn’t hesitate. His face crumpled and the facade he was trying so desperately to put on faded as he fell forward into Thomas’s embrace, holding him tight. 

Logan smiled, sinking out along with Roman and Patton. They would need to talk about what had happened- all of them, but it could wait. 

Virgil needed some time with Thomas, and Logan had no doubt he would be taken care of. 

  
  


To Virgil’s own, silent amazement, he managed not to dissolve into tears the second he realized Thomas not only wasn’t upset with him, but offering physical comfort. 

The others had sunk out some time into the hug, leaving the two of them alone on the couch, and he did his best to breathe through the lingering panic at the memories of what he’d just said. 

Thomas didn’t let go, but didn’t try to pressure a conversation either, seeming to know Virgil needed some time to find his voice again. 

Instead he just leaned back slightly, enough so both of them were resting comfortably against the back of the couch, and turned the tv on to some mindless show, the background noise helping to ground them both. 

His arms were still wrapped around Virgil, comforting and safe, and the anxious side’s breath hitched as Thomas began carding fingers through his hair, unable to stop himself from leaning into the touch. 

Thomas shouldn’t be taking care of him like this. Not when Virgil had done nothing but hurt him. 

He pushed those thoughts away, closed his eyes, and willed his mind to focus. 

It was impossible to tell how much time passed, everything fuzzy and far away, but Thomas never pushed, waiting until Virgil was ready to talk on his own. 

“I’m so stupid.” 

The fingers in his hair stopped, just for a second, before starting up again, even more gentle than before. 

“You’re not,” Thomas said. “You’re  _ not,  _ Virge. You were being hurt and manipulated. It wasn’t your fault.” 

He’d heard this all a thousand times before. It wasn’t his fault, it was manipulation, his reactions were normal, he shouldn’t blame himself. 

It helped to hear, sure, but only in the short run. It all came creeping back eventually, taunting, jeering voices mercilessly screaming in his head. 

“I know,” he said against Thomas’s shoulder. “But I believed them. I know what they did wasn’t my fault but I  _ never  _ questioned it. I hated the way it made me feel and I still never tried to get it to stop.” 

“You thought you didn’t have a choice.”

“Nobody else would be stupid enough to believe that,” Virgil muttered. “You wouldn’t, the others wouldn’t, I just always thought...I thought I was helping but I always just make it  _ worse.”  _

For a second, Thomas didn’t answer, the low volume of the television the only sound in the living room. For a terrifying second, Virgil thought Thomas was going to agree. 

“You make us better, Virgil,” he said, the same words Princey had spoken in his room. “Not worse.  _ Never  _ worse. Don’t forget that.”

Thomas pulled back slightly, just enough to meet Virgil’s eyes, carefully moving a hand under his chin when the anxious side averted his gaze. 

“You aren’t stupid, buddy. And you did  _ not  _ deserve that. Any of it. You couldn’t have known- we all treated you like a villain, and you thought you had to be the bad guy.” 

Virgil shrugged, taking a shuddering breath. “I thought...I was just trying to protect you.” 

“And you do,” Thomas said. “You always have. Nobody blames you for believing what they told you. Especially not when you were scared.” 

Thomas finally allowed Virgil to look away, the side staring down at his lap, forcibly reminding himself not to pick at the bandages under his sleeves. 

“I hated it,” he mumbled, face burning. “I wanted it to stop _so bad_ so I don’t know why...why I can’t accept that it’s stopped.” 

“You’ll get there,” Thomas promised, more certain than Virgil had ever heard him. “You’ll realize someday you didn’t deserve it. We’ll show you that you deserve to be loved, Virge.” 

Thomas pulled him close again, the hug tight and desperate on both ends, and for just a moment Virgil thought that with an embrace like this, a host so open and understanding, he would never be afraid again. 

  
  



End file.
